So here I am years later, in Korea, and I still find myself watching. All the time. And I've always been that way, even when I was a little girl. I tried blogging several different times, but nothing ever stuck. I always just thought it was because I couldn't figure out how or when or what to write about. I wanted to blog, mostly just because I love writing and I love having snippets of life to peek back into months or years later (I can also be quite forgetful!). But lately I've been really introspective. Having a baby does that, I guess :) I've been thinking about these last several years; how I've changed (something about entering your thirties really changes you!), how life has changed so stinking much in such beautiful (if often challenging) ways.
They help me to remember my the depth of my faith, and how far it has already carried me; that my faith is what powers and guides me so that I can be the mama my son needs me to be.
But, alas, we decided to "try it out" with just one bottle a day at night, to help him sleep better. Lately he had seemed to regress and couldn't sleep well at night, waking up hungry often. And during the day we noticed that he seemed hungrier as well. He seems to be going through a growth spurt, which is good and healthy and part of a growing babe's life. No matter how hard I tried, though, I just couldn't keep up. I'll be honest, I often felt guilty or would badger myself for not pumping more at night, or for not drinking more water...anything I felt I could be doing better to produce more milk. I tried not to listen to those belittling and bullying thoughts, but the truth is they always lurked around. And they hurt my self esteem as a mama. Even now, tears well up in my eyes thinking about it. All I want is to be the best mama I can be for my son.
And so two nights ago, feeding our son his first bottle of metallic tasting formula (I tasted it beforehand to see what it was like and felt awful for giving something so nasty tasting to my little guy), my heart felt heavy and sad. My husband later told me he also felt sad.
And that first night he slept nine hours straight, without a peep. Last night he slept ten solid hours! He seems more content during the day, and to be honest...both my husband and I feel less stressed.
I didn't write this so that it could go viral and I can have a million blog followers, but because we need all the support and encouragement we can get from each other.
So if any of you mamas (or papas!) out there would want to share my words with other mamas and papas who need a little support, I'd be thrilled. Please, send them over! If you ever feel like you need a boost of parenthood confidence, just leave a comment here and I'll be sure to give you exactly that, because us parents gotta stick together.
xo.